\n\i a candid conversation with the immensely popular comedian about life and laughter and arrows through a prematurely gray head \p
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\f1\fs16\b PLAYBOY: \n The Oscars will probably mean something else to you this year, now that you're the star and one of the writers of your first film, \i The Jerk\n . Actually, make that the first feature film, because you did write and star in a seven-minute short with Buck Henry called \i The Absent-Minded Waiter\n . Since that is shown, for the most part, at your concerts, what is it about?\p
\b MARTIN: \n It was a sketch I wrote about ten years ago. It took me about an hour. Submitted it for TV. Turned down. Went on to other TV shows. Submitted it. Turned down every time. Then, on the new \i Smothers Brothers Show \n a couple of years ago, we did it and it went over great. Then, in our deal with Paramount [Paramount dropped its option to \i The Jerk\n ], one of the ideas that [producer] David Picker had was to make a short that would promote my face to the moviegoing public. So when my movie came out, I would be a movie star, in a sense.\p
\b PLAYBOY: \n And you just happened to have something you wanted to do.\p
\b MARTIN: \n I thought this was the safest thing to do. I worked over the script with Carl Gottlieb, who directed it. It takes seven minutes. I'll tell you what it's about. A coupleùBuck Henry and Terri Garrùgo to a restaurant and ask the maitre de for my table. Buck Henry says, "You're not going to believe this; you're going to see the most absent-minded waiter ever." And she says, "So what? Why did you bring me here?" I come and say, "Here's your water," and pour the water on the table and then set down the glasses. There's water all over them now. Then I say, "Can I take your order?" Buck orders. I turn to Terri, "May I take your order?" She orders. I turn back to Buck, "May I take your order?" Buck orders again. I go to Terri, "May I take your order? OK. What would you like to drink? Two martinis? Fine. What would you like? Martini? OK. And what would you like? OK, two martinis. And a martini." I come back and bring them six martinis. After the drinks, I bring the desserts. Buck says, "We haven't got our main course yet." So I say, "Oh, that chef, he's always forgetting," and go back and bring them the main course, but it's all screwed up. A lard omelet and a Truly Maple Surprise. Meanwhile, Terri Garr is going, "Why did you bring me here, this is our one night out, why here?" Buck says, "Don't worry, just stick with me." Finally, she says, "That's it, I'm so pissed off, I'm never going to come here again, and I'm just as mad at you." Then I come in and I go, "And here's your change . . . ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, a hundred, two hundred, three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, a thousand, two thousand, three thousand, ten thousand dollars. Thank you and come again." And I walk away. They start giggling. Buck starts lighting up the money. I come back and go, "May I help you?" Terri goes, "Yes. Two. For dinner." And they sit down and go through the whole thing again. It is funny. I've seen it play 500 times on my concert dates and it just works great. I'm really proud of it. I'm proud that I made something that is \i funny\n . Not any other reason, just funny. \p
